A Quick Guide for Non-binary Dating

For non-binary folks, dating is a little different than it is for cis or binary trans people (defined below). This guide can be used as a quick reference for your dating life, whether you’re non-binary yourself or cis and dating someone who is.

First and foremost, what is non-binary? Also, some brief gender fundamentals

Non-binary refers to a range of gender identities that are neither completely masculine nor exclusively feminine, but fall somewhere in between.

People who are non-binary may identify as having two or more genders (bigender or trigender); having no gender (agender, nongendered, genderless, genderfree, or neutrois); shifting between genders or having a changeable gender identity (genderfluid); or being third gender or other-gendered (a category that includes those who do not place a name to their gender). An “enby” is another term for a non-binary person (pronounced NB).

Persons who identify as transgender or trans people do not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. The term “non-binary” is used to describe people who are neither male nor female. Not everyone who is non-binary identifies as trans, but many do.

Cisgender, often known as cisgender, refers to identifying as the gender you were assigned or assumed to be at birth. AMAB/AFAB stands for “assigned male at birth” and “assigned female at birth.”

Dating a Non-binary Person

The world is very binary! We are surrounded by gendered clothing, toys, language, and ideology from the time we are babies. As you grow to know your non-binary spouse, you may see how society divides objects into male and female categories, and how human conduct is expected to conform to these categories.

You may have concerns as a cis person about dating a non-binary person and the specific considerations that come with it. When getting to know a non-binary potential partner, here are some best practices to follow.

1. Ask your date their pronouns, and use gender-neutral pronouns like they/them until you know for sure. This will help your date feel validated and seen! Use ungendered terms like partner, sweetheart, or simply “the person I’m dating/seeing.”
2. Never ask for a non-binary person’s deadname. It is considered rude to inquire about the name someone was given by their parents if they go by a different name today. Call them by their chosen name. If they want to share their deadname someday, that’s their call to make.
3. Ask how they want to be introduced to others. In a heteronormative dating world, being your authentic, non-binary self can be invigorating, but it can also be a risk. Non-binary individuals are often targets of harassment, prejudice, and even violence. “They”-ing your non-binary partner to a friend or a stranger can be a coming out moment for them. Create a game plan with your partner before walking into a potentially unsafe situation.Your date may be out to their friends, family, workplace, some combination thereof or none of the above; context matters, so it’s important you know the right terms for the right situation. This includes which pronouns and name to use, but also, when the time comes, which term that describes your relationship. Ask your partner what they would like to be called (again, some options are: partner, the person I’m seeing/dating, or even sweetie or sweetheart if you’re feeling cute). Your non-binary person may be fine with–or even prefer–girlfriend or boyfriend; just make sure you ask instead of assuming!
4. Ask how you can help. Non-binary people often have specific preferences around behaviors related to or in opposition to their assigned genders. (For example, even if you are a cis woman, your non-binary partner may prefer that you be the one to initiate intimacy most of the time.)Let them know that they should feel free to tell you if you ever make them feel insecure or as if their gender identity is being erased, so you can adjust your behavior. Simply listen, ask clarifying questions if you don’t understand, and pledge to do better next time. Make yourself a reliable source of critical feedback. This is a wonderful cause that will benefit you in various aspects of your life.