A Complete Beginner’s Guide to Online Dating

Online dating has always appealed to me. Maybe it’s because of You’ve Got Mail (which isn’t great, but man, that was the dream of the ’90s), or because I was obsessed with coding as a teen (shut up, I was so cool, you guys), or because I don’t go to bars unless I’m performing, and even then, it’s like throwing flirtation into the wind and hoping it lands somewhere near my bristles. I’m not aware of it.

If I had a penny for every time one of my friends said to me, “Lane, they were hitting on you!!!” I’d have at least 70 cents, maybe 90 cents if you said, “Lane, they’re utterly in love with you and have been for over eight years.” I just don’t see it unless you explicitly state, “Hello, your looks and body appeal to me. I’d like to take your face and body somewhere with the intention of dating or having sex with you.”

To be honest, I’ve always assumed that classic movie and television meet-cutes were nonsense unless you were a highly extroverted person who went out every night, or if you were a wealthy lawyer who had no time for dating until one day your heel got stuck in a street grate. I had no intention of being either.

In most ways, online dating was amazing when I first started. Sure, I didn’t know any better at the time, and for the first few months, everyone I met looked to be one of Liz Lemon’s possible suitors (either very hot but deeply odd, or not so hot but deeply weird), but the options seemed unlimited! Seriously, it’s like a directory of folks in your region with whom you could strike up a conversation if you so desired. That’s fantastic! Sure, pubs and other places where people meet others have that, but online, all you have to do is send an email, which is the coward’s way of saying hello.

Plus, because I was getting a lot of messages from crazy-hot Internet strangers, my confidence in myself increased, enabling me to have that key insight of “Wait, am I hotter than I thought I was?” — and because most women lack self-confidence (really, if you’re reading this right now, I promise you’re an 8, maybe even a 9), the answer was, OH, HELLLLLL YES, I AM! Seriously, I now know the caliber of individuals that find me attractive, which helps me in real life because I’m now like, “If I’m ever around a hot stranger, I’m going to be like, ” “Oh, he’s interested in me. Without a doubt “People, because I have data! It’s all about the numbers.

So why not give this simple-as-pie approach of finding possible dating partners a shot? Because it appears to be terrible and horrible? That’s reasonable. I’m going to help you get through it.

1. Don’t post a photo of your face that is not your actual face.

We all have that one insane position that makes us seem like Angelina Jolie at her heyday (which, incidentally, was Firefox), and that’s fantastic, but if this person can’t identify you in person because you look more like Wednesday Addams, choose another shot. Having said that, it’s still cool to keep at least one of those views in the mix. (I can’t help it if I look fantastic up close since it makes my eyes look like they belong in a Japanese cartoon.)

2. Don’t just post selfies.

Selfies are something I strongly believe in. Take them every second if they make you feel gorgeous and pleased. Photos, on the other hand, can be utilized to show off more of your personality, which is useful if you’re not as good at explaining yourself as you are at shooting pictures of yourself doing interesting things with your cool pals. Taking photos in a photo booth at a craft fair, or, if you’re like me, taking photos in a photo booth at a craft fair. In any case.

3. You don’t need to tell everyone everything.

You’re just getting started, so don’t reveal too much because you have no idea who these folks are or how this thing works, and it’s a little terrifying! Simply write whatever you’d be comfortable telling a stranger at a bar.

4. Write about things your ideal person would respond to.

If you want to meet someone who enjoys Bridesmaids, include Bridesmaids in your search. Same thing if you want to meet someone who adores Beyoncé! Put that you are if you want to meet someone who is highly sensitive and compassionate! A lot of the time, likeminded people seek out likeminded others. Plus, knowing you’ll have a lot to chat about on your first date since you both enjoy the same things is a huge plus.

5. Don’t pin all your hopes on one person.

I realize it’s difficult to get everything to line up like this, but try having a few forthcoming dates at the same time. If one doesn’t work out, it won’t be the end of the world because you have other dates coming up shortly! And one resembles Channing Tatum (doesn’t everyone like Channing Tatum?).